Matt Hinch: Anger
As Craig mentioned, I’ve been to anger management classes. Disclaimer: I’m opening up a lot here. Almost five years ago now I was not in a good place. Major factors contributing to one of the most trying times in my life were alcohol abuse and extreme exhaustion. As a shift worker on a rapid rotation (2 days, off 2, 3 nights, off 2, 2 days, off 3, 2 nights, etc.) my body has basically been fighting jet lag for ten years. Add to that an infant who didn’t like to sleep and you’ve got one cranky daddy on your hands. Toss in an unhealthy relationship with whiskey and it’s a recipe for disaster. I was becoming disengaged from the things that mattered most to me: my family. Something had to change.
First off, when I woke up hungover one Thursday morning I dumped the rest of the whiskey bottle down the drain and haven’t looked back. Mind you, I still drink but just not whiskey. I can’t. I’m afraid of the path it opens up. That helped but I still needed more. I had my doctor refer me to anger management classes so I could try and get a handle on why I felt so angry all the time.
No disrespect to the nice lady running the classes but they were useless in my case. I remember very little of what happened there and took away nothing, but I did relish the opportunity to subject a bunch of wife-beating rednecks to Gridlink and Blacklisted. You shoulda seen them squirm! Well, I can’t attest to their wife-beating, and they weren’t all rednecks, but I’m pretty sure I was the only one there voluntarily.
There was an assignment we had to do in which we were supposed to pick a song that represents how we feel about ourselves. I couldn’t pick just one. I chose a Gridlink tune (doesn’t matter which one) for how I felt and a Blacklisted one for lyrical expression.
When it came time to present, the student helper got the songs backwards and said the Gridlink song was Blacklisted. The moderator said, “Well, just the name says something, doesn’t it?” I got my first point across but when it came time to play the actual Blacklisted song they just skipped to the next person. It’s not like the Gridlink song took up that much time. THIS made me mad. Ironic, eh? I agonized all week about how to express my feelings and I was dismissed before I had the chance to get my full point across. I felt disrespected because the music wasn’t accessible.
Disrespect. Now there’s something we metalheads can relate to. Sure, in our own darkened corner of the universe respect between metalheads is relatively commonplace but in the world at large long-haired, tattooed, band shirt-wearing bangers don’t always get respect. It’s frustrating sometimes. But what can be frustrating (and loaded with disrespect) all the time is parenting.
When I was a kid respect for elders, especially your parents, was expected without question. I’m not going to say I was a perfect child but I respected my parents. I did as I was told and that was that. My parents were never unreasonable in that regard. Clean up your room, help with chores, be home on time. I’m sure fear of a sore bottom played into that but for our generation as parents the threat of physical punishment is empty. Not that I would want to hit my children to make them mind. God no! But you’re basically not allowed to touch children anymore and they know that. And thus, the younger generations seem to be losing respect for their elders both at school and at home.
That’s part of what leads to my anger issues. I’m a crank when I’m tired and my Irish temper comes out but I’m still learning how to deal with the frustration that comes with being a parent. It’s a constant work in progress to guide my strong-willed children in the direction I need them to go without resorting to yelling. I yell too much and my kids will tell you that. Granted, much of the time I’m yelling just to be heard over three screaming girls. But sometimes I feel that’s the only way to get them to respect what I’m saying.
Certain times of the day are more frustrating than others. The first is getting read for school. It’s always a rush and none of us are really morning people. (Well, I am if I get a “quiet” start, not charging out of the gate.) Trying to instill a sense of urgency to groggy kids is hard, especially when I’m still shaking out the cobwebs. This usually leads to plenty of “Come on!”s, both in the “Let’s Go!” and “Are you kidding me?” senses. But I’m trying to teach them that being ready and on time is important. Keeping people waiting is a big pet peeve of mine.
Bedtime proves even more challenging. Again, everyone is tired and reluctant. Same frustrations. The other common thread is I’ve always got music going. Always. Unless we are watching TV together. And it’s always metal. I need it to be. I’ll admit that on a micro level I’m not a patient man. So having music playing gives me something to focus on other than what is not happening the way I feel it should be.
My family is used to some kind of racket emanating from my pocket at all times. The kids don’t seem to mind as much as my wife. Metal has the opposite effect on her. It helps me with focus and makes her unfocused. Having that scathing black metal or brutal death metal, crushing doom or blitzing grind brings me down a notch to where I can better deal with frustrating situations. It’s obviously not a perfect solution but without it I’d be lost. At times I have to step away from the scene and let myself fall into the music even further to subdue the raging beat of my heart. Like the other day when I was losing control and I stepped away, put on some Secret Cutter and proceeded to smash my face into a mattress for a while until I felt better.
Another tactic I use when anger is getting the best of me is to throw on something a little lighter, more upbeat, like Admiral Sir Cloudesly Shovell or Clutch for example. Diversion is a technique my wife and I both use to diffuse tension and that kind of bouncy rock comes in handy there. I can put that on and just start dancing around like a fool and it lightens everyone’s mood and brings a potentially escalating situation back to a reasonable place. It doesn’t always work but if we can all have a laugh things usually head in a better direction.
Metal is generally aggressive, violent and angry music and fans have been utilizing its power to vent for decades. It’s an escape. Whether it’s mentally screaming along to Converge instead of out loud at someone, separating yourself to immerse your mind in something else, dancing around the kitchen like an idiot (hardcore is good here), or even taking things to a whole different place via some instrumental ambience (new WITTR, Locrian, Adoran, Northumbria, etc), metal is there to fall back on when parenting presents its challenges.
A perfect example of my story came Tuesday. I barely slept Monday night. I was in a mood MOST foul and the kids were fucking crazy all day. We had to do a lot of driving too and they were wiggy. I kept getting calls from the back seat, “Daddy we want Lorde, or Katy Perry. Or just not your music?” I said “Nope. Daddy needs his music to focus and not get distracted by all your noise and get mad and start yelling.”
I could hear them yelling at each other, carrying on, laughing, kicking my seat, etc. but all I knew was the road and Pallbearer. I was in no shape to deal with their behaviour rationally so I was able to detach from the chaos, keep calm and let kids be kids. No one got hurt physically (even though they were slapping at each other) or mentally/emotionally and we lived to fight another day. Everybody wins!
I feed off the energy of the music to help me through bad situations. It’s always there. However, sometimes I wonder whether the kids are feeding off it in a different way. Is death metal really the best choice for breakfast? They never seem to mind at suppertime though. But is that setting up the bedtime issues? These are the things I need to spend more time analyzing.
In all honesty, as much as metal helps me through my anger, I pulled myself out of the dark days as much with the help of studying Buddhism and meditating. I’ve kept up with the metal but my Buddhist practice has faltered severely. This is something I need to change. Anger destroys everything. One moment of anger can wipe away years of good karma. Heed the words of Master Yoda. Luckily I’ve grown to appreciate the meditative side of metal and should be able to use that to my advantage in conquering that side of my personality.
It’s settled then. Meditate to a Kwaidan album, read How to Talk to Kids so They’ll Listen for the umpteenth time and forge on. If that doesn’t work I can always scream into a pillow to some classic Blood Tsunami or hide in the basement with some YOB.
Parenting is the most frustrating job in the world and letting out that frustration at home is safe. Unconditional love forgives a lot of things. But anger at home hurts the people that matter most. I’m lucky to have the forgiving family that I do and I’m lucky to have the power of metal to help me become the father I want to be. Who knows where I’d be without both of those things?
