I’m resigning from Hellbound to represent the NDP in Berthier-Maskinongé…

Have you guys been following this at all? A handful of these newly-elected NDP MPs are university students, including one who’s only 19! Considering that I already have my degree, I feel that I’m adequately qualified to represent some rural Quebec riding in the House of Commons as a New Democrat.  They might even make me an opposition critic.

Just look at Ruth Ellen Brosseau, the new MP for Berthier-Maskinongé, who unseated the Bloc Québecois incumbent by nearly 6,000 votes after spending her campaign in Las Vegas. She lives in Gatineau, three hours away from her riding, and works at a campus pub in Ottawa. Furthermore, she doesn’t speak French, at least not well enough to carry on a basic conversation with a radio interviewer. Now, the other candidates in her riding are demanding that her nomination be invalidated since there are people who signed her nomination form without being told what it was for, and others who claim their signatures were forged. So I’m prepared to step up and take her place.

Unlike Ms. Brosseau, I speak French on a daily basis, and would be more than happy to conduct interviews in the province’s working language. I have experience serving Quebec as a call centre representative, providing essential information and call transfers for people across the province. While I haven’t been to Trois-Rivières, either, I know that they have an annual metalfest, which I pledge to support with government funding.

The one advantage that the current (not-for-long) MP has over me is her French-sounding last name. So I’ll just have to change mine. Since they don’t pronounce the letter H or the double R in French, I’m swapping them for an e accent aigu. Grégoire Éris sounds like a guy you’d meet at a bar in Mauricie, if you ask me. I’d probably buy him a beer.

Once the paperwork’s been approved, I plan on heading down to Jack Layton’s office and presenting myself. I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to have a bi-election candidate who speaks joual French just as well as he does.

P.S.: As the unofficial NDP by-election candidate, I’m hereby announcing my unofficial campaign theme.  Stephen Harper may have Collective Soul, but I’ve chosen a tune to best represent the electorate of my riding: 3Tarded by the 3Tards.  (Since 97.4 per cent of Berthier-Maskinongé only speaks French, I don’t think they’ll get the joke.)  I’ll be kicking off my campaign at the ‘Tards 10th anniversary gig tonite at the Horseshoe, provided that my new campaign fliers are ready in time.  They forgot the fucking accent aigu on the first batch I printed.  Kinko’s must be run by a buncha Liberals…



Seahawks/Stamps/Flames/Zags/Jays/Raptors fan and lifelong metal head with a beer gut and a self-deprecating sense of humour. Reviewer/blogger (Yon Senior Doomsayer) for Hellbound.ca.