By Kevi Metal
Hi friends. It’s been a while. I know it. Sean certainly knows it. You, on the other hand, probably didn’t even notice I was gone. That’s okay. In my absence, I heard a rumour that some people have reaffirmed a love affair with vinyl. Some of these people even own turntables! Fucking crazy!! So, in salutary notion to those of you keeping it real (and even to those of you keeping it false because, well, you own 200 records but don’t own an actual device to play them on) and the labels who graciously send us their latest releases on varying colours of wax, I present the all-vinyl edition of Rimshots.
A.N.S./RAMMING SPEED
SPLIT 12”
(TANKCRIMES)
These two bands bring me back to the carefree days of my youth: backwards baseball caps, falling off skateboards, getting in shit at school everyday, wearing ill-fitting clothes, playing in shitty bands, not getting laid because I was such a geek…Wait a damn second… it would appear that my youth sucked. Fuck both these bands for dredging up all those terrible memories! [7.5/10]
GEHENNA
LAND OF SODOMY II 7”
(A389)
“Gehenna is the sound of endless warfare,” they say. I say Gehenna is the sound of the endless liberation, use and abuse of parts of riffs from Hell Awaits and a drummer who needs to practice to a metronome. They do know the sound of amazing packaging schemes, though. [6/10]
GRAVEHILL
PRACTITIONERS OF FELL SORCERY
(A389)
I’ll bet you my entire next Hellbound paycheque that if you saw a picture of this band, at least one of the following items would make an appearance: a leather vest; mirrored aviator shades; an Obsessed by Cruelty long sleeve; at least one person would be holding a beer; there would be more than a few double chins in the room; and one guy (probably the drummer) would have short hair. [7/10]
GRIFFIN
LIVE ’82 7”
(NUCLEAR WAR NOW!/SNAKEPIT MAGAZINE)
There’s about as much reason for this artifact from metal’s distant past to exist as there is a need for traffic laws in Marathon, Ontario. And if you’ve ever been to Marathon, Ontario, you’ll know what the fuck I’m talking about. [5/10]
THE LOVE BELOW/HOMEWRECKER
SPLIT 7”
(A389)
“Colleen” is an friend of mine who walked out on her marriage and kids because, after years as a domestic engineer, loving parent and gainfully employed individual, she caught the itch to ditch responsibility and her stuffy existence. Last I heard, she was living a party girl’s life, addicted to alcohol, pills and a variety of hard drugs. Both these bands sound like what her bloodstream probably looks and tastes like at this moment. [6.5]
MIGHTY SPHINCTER
RESURRECTION 7”
(A389)
I used to work in an emergency room. One night, a gay couple came in. Apparently, in the quest to construct the perfectly moulded, anal sex toy, Gay Dude #1 let the concrete he poured into Gay Dude #2’s anal cavity solidify a bit too much. I’d rather listen to the affected, ecstasy-addled weeping of Gay Dude #1’s mid-morning stress-related breakdown than listen to Mighty Sphincter ever again. [2]
PALA
WE ARE NOTHING
(A389)
“Sara” is a friend of mine and she’s a prototypical butch dyke. She’s pretty big and pretty angry, but gets super mellow when she dips into her seemingly bottomless stash of weed. She’ll sink into a couch like no one you’ve ever seen before, but out of the blue, she’ll sometimes laughingly punch any males in proximity in the cock with lightning speed and accuracy. This band sounds like what the cock of one of her unsuspecting victims must feel like. [7/10]
PENETRATION PANTHERS
PERPETUAL 80s 7”
(A389)
Perpetual 80s indeed, as in, “Let’s not only sound like 80s proto-punk, but go into this sounding like we haven’t tuned our instruments, improved upon our musical ability or practiced as a band since the 80s either!” [3/10]
PHARAOH
PHARAOH 7”
(A389)
Pharaoh is the sort of doomy, noisy, metalgaze band you’re happy to listen to after a day spent listening to the shit your girlfriend listens to. Not the sort of thing you’d throw on at first opportunity, but they’re good enough to make throwing them on a non-regrettable selection. Pharaoh, the Real Doll of metal. [6]
PULLING TEETH
FUNERARY 2 x LP
(A389)
“Dave” is a friend of mine who balances a wife and at least a two extra marital hook ups on the side, with none of the women knowing anything about the existence of the others. Funerary is the sound inside his head on those nights when all three are simultaneously on the rag and poking at him for emotional support and visceral attention. [8/10]
SERAPHIM
THE LIGHT IN THE DISTANCE
(A389)
The weirdest thing about The Light in the Distance has nothing to do with the band or their somewhat rocking take on sludge metal. Nope, it’s all about how much louder, fuller and all-around better sounding the vinyl sounds when compared to the CD version of the same album. Dom 1, Will, 0. [7.5/10]
VARIOUS ARTISTS
MIGHTY SPHINCTER TRIBUTE 7”
(A389)
I’d rather listen to the scrape of surgical instruments against the concrete lodged in Gay Dude #2’s ass again than voluntarily let this anywhere near my turntable. Ever. [1/10]
WITCH LORD
ATOMIZED IN THE BLACK SOLARIAN
(A389)
I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark and guess that someone was fucking stoned to the tits and listening to Black Sabbath when they named this band, titled this album, wrote these songs, designed the artwork, woke up this morning, had breakfast… [4/10]
WITHDRAWAL
FAITH, FLESH AND BLOOD 7”
(A389)
Somebody check to see if hell has frozen over. A hardcore band from Winnipeg has just released a 7” that’s a hundred times more fucking evil than anything that’s come out of Norway since the 90s. All that and they probably own better quality winter coats as well. [8/10]
