By Kevi H. Metal
Here’s the scene: Hellbound’s old man posse – myself, photographer/CD pillager Albert and our fearless leader Sean – have found ourselves in a Motel 6 in suburban Baltimore, our digs for the duration of our time at the Maryland Deathfest. That this joint looks like a cross between 1970s IKEA and the set of the first Alien movie, is of no bearing or consequence, but I it was bizarre and needed to be mentioned. One morning, Albert emerged sporting a long sleeve shirt of the old Sounds of Death magazine. SOD was known for a few things, the most conspicuous was editor David Horn’s enthusiastic reviews in which album were rated on a “skull scale” out of ten, with the most raging of records scoring a brutal “10 fucking skulls out of 10.”
“Self,” I said to myself, “I should review the bands of MDF similarly.” We all agreed that Albert’s shirt won the weekend’s unofficial obscurity award and, in the usual silliness that takes over during a weekend of tons of metal and not enough sleep, everything we encountered became the recipient of the skull rating (i.e. I give this “meal” at Hardee’s 3 fucking skulls”). Plus, the shirt had “Death Fucking Metal” screaming on the back print which apparently scared patrons at Chaps Pit Beef enough that we got to sit out on their noisy patio area without families, screaming kids and drunken frat douches harshing the buzz created by copious amounts of slaughtered animal.
So, without further distraction, here’s what I thought of the bands I saw at MDF, reviewed in classic SOD style. Keep an eye out for next year’s comparative “Top of Czech Scene” reviews.
FRIDAY
PUTRESCENCE – 
6 skulls
DEFEATIST – guys playing grind with as much grey hair as my dad get 8 skulls
TOMBS – 8 skulls
JESUS CROST – 5 skulls
BIRDS OF PREY – 8 skulls
GRIDE – 7 skulls
COFFINS – 3 skulls (but Uchino’s permagrin gets 10 fucking skulls out of 10)
NAZXUL – 3 skulls
GORGUTS – 7 skulls
MALIGNANCY – 4 skulls
WATAIN – 8 skulls
SATURDAY
INGROWING – 6 skulls
OBLITERATION – 8 skulls
JUCIFER – 5 skulls
IMPALED – 10 fucking skulls out of 10!
BLOOD DUSTER – 11 fucking skulls out of 10!
DECEASED – 8 skulls
WOLFBRIGADE – 11 fucking skulls out of 10!
PORTAL – 7 skulls (would’ve been more skulls if buddy had that clock on his fucking head…fucking sell outs)
TOTAL FUCKING DESTRUCTION – 7 skulls
POSSESSED – 5 skulls
REPULSION – 9 skulls (Marissa Martinez gets 11 fucking skulls plus an extra one after she showed me the half-finished Star Wars tattoo on her back)
AUTOPSY – 5 skulls
FANG – 5 skulls
THE CHASM – 6 skulls
SUNDAY
ROMPERPROP – 4 skulls
CRUCIFIST – 4 skulls (but I give the balding guitarist w/corpsepaint get up 8 skulls)
GRIDLINK – 8 skulls
BLACK BREATH – 11 fucking skulls out of 10!
CAPTAIN CLEANOFF – 8 skulls
CONVERGE – 10 fucking skulls out of 10!
MAGRUDERGRIND – 8 skulls
GOROD – 8 skulls
PESTILENCE – 7 skulls
PENTAGRAM – 7 skulls (though Bobby Liebling’s glitzed out jump suit gets 15 fucking skulls and he himself gets 11 fucking skulls for not keeling over during their set)
SINISTER – 5 skulls
EYEHATEGOD – 8 skulls (re: Mike Williams, see PENTAGRAM, the part about not keeling over, not the jump suit)
NIRVANA 2002 – 4 skulls (though the zipper-up leather jacket wearing guitarist gets 12 fucking skulls for not dying of heat exposure)
ENTOMBED – 6 skulls
